a sticky situation
by boogle
Summary: A strange ship wants to board with red dwarf. The crew give the go ahead, but is there more than Peter Andre singing robots onboard? And what happens when Rimmer makes some really stupid mistakes? poor Lister and Cat...
1. Aliens! naa not really

Disclaimer: I own nothing! But my lovely dark green velvet hat called Gerald…

Hello! Another fic brought to you by the insane and frankly quite disturbing boogle:

…….

…….

Life on the mining ship red dwarf couldn't be more normal… that is to say; a strange craft had just pulled up along side and asked if its crew could pop over for a while.

"Oh sirs! There's a ship by us and it wants to board!"

Lister was happily munching away on some popcorn he'd taken from the cinema, "Really? Let it then."

Kryten waved his arms about, "But sir, we don't know who it is."

Rimmer leapt from his seat, spilling Lister's popcorn all over the floor in his excitement, "Aliens!" he exclaimed.

Lister bent down and shoved the dirty popcorn back into its container and carried on eating it as if nothing happened. "Oh come on man, it's not gonna be _aliens_."

Cat eyed the popcorn warily, "You're right bud! I bet it's one of the red dwarf garbage pods controlled by one of your socks!"

"That only happened _twice_!"

"Just so long as it's not one of those evil creatures from the planet we just passed we'll be fine!" Kryten popped in.

Everyone got a little uneasy, "What?"

Kryten laughed nervously, fiddling with some buttons at the controls a little more than was necessary, "The creatures… from that planet we passed… from the trio of planets? I'm sure I mentioned it! Ohmygoditsgonnakillme, Ohmygoditskillingme and Ohmygoditskilledme?" upon receiving blank looks from everyone, including Holly, Kryten added: "Well, they have big sticky feet used for scaling walls and ceilings sirs – it's very simple - Just so long as it's not them, we'll be fine!"

"Oh let them board for smeg's sake!" Rimmer said, practically jumping up and down.

Lister sighed, leaning back in his cockpit chair a little more, "Why do you care anyway Rimmer? You're _hard-light_ now, you don't need aliens to get you another body."

"Yes but just think of all the possibilities! The amazing things they must have seen! The places they must have travelled to!"

"Rimmer-" Lister started, but he was cut off by the hologram.

"Lister, just because the only wonders you've ever seen have been from the inside of your laundry basket doesn't mean that things aren't out there. Waiting to be unearthed. Just lying in their splendour, waiting. Waiting for Arnold J Rimmer to discover them."

"You don't half talk a load of crap in the morning Rimmer."

Cat was struck by a sudden thought, "Hey! What if there are ladies on board? I've gotta get changed!"

Holly's head materialised on the screen, with its usual deadpan expression. "Alright dudes?"

"Hey Hol, so when are they coming?"

"Whenever they're ready I suppose. I haven't been able to establish a video link for more than five seconds; their ship's more smashed up than the food storage bay when Rimmer turned hard light. There's some service droids on it, couldn't see any life forms though."

Rimmer scowled, "You haven't got a smegging clue have you? They could be anyone!" the thought of gorgeous scantily clad females dancing in a vat of chocolate, that had previously occupied his mind, flew out of the window. They were grudgingly replaced by twenty foot drooling monsters that gobbled you up with a side order of French fries and bank manager's toupees.

Holly grinned "Yeah. According to their ship details they're _all_ robots. But we don't really know." She flicked her locks back, her smile widening, "Exciting isn't it?"

"They – they could be parasitical chainsaw-wielding mutated maniacs who want to come aboard and torture us into watching Linda barker yoga videos and playing prolonged games of scrabble!"

"Yeah."

Rimmer made a funny noise in his throat and sat back down.

"Don't be so gloomy Rimmer. They probably just need supplies. They'll pop in, fly away, and we'll never see them again."

"Oh shut up." Rimmer sat back down, "They'll be evil… evil things… we should all suit up with bazookoids! What if they come up and kill us?"

"Bur Rimmer man, their ship's just a normal _robot_ ship, they're not GELFs or evil fish or crazy scientists gone wrong. Just normal service robots."

"They could have stolen it!"

"Rimmer, you just want a chance to use the bazookoids."

"What? I do _not_!"

"Yes you do. Now that your hard-light you wanna look cool. This is just like the time you wanted to use the bazookoids to get the mouldy mayonnaise out the fridge!"

Rimmer blushed. "That's not true Listy."

"Whatever man." Lister grinned, shoving the last handful of dirty popcorn into his mouth.

…….

Rimmer hefted the bazookoid up, and couldn't help smiling at himself in the mirror. He was wearing a black suit with the four long-service medals pinned on the front. He thought the bazookoid looked a little out of place, so he got Holly to give him some cool sunglasses. Arnold popped the shades on with a grin. "Look out evil robots! Arnie's looking sexier than sex on motorised wheels with shiny hubcaps!"

He contented himself with a super-special-salute in the mirror and some pelvic thrusts as he walked out the door.

…….

"Look out ladies!" said Cat, spinning off down the corridor, his dazzling sequined suit catching the light and sending a million reflected circles onto the walls. "Yeah! Aaoooww! Look out ladies! Cat's on the prowl! And he's feeling very sexy!" Cat popped out a hand mirror from his jacket, "And he's looking it too! Yeah!"

……..

Lister was currently wearing a grungy t-shirt with approximately 23 curry stains on, loose fitting trousers, and two odd socks which, to his great surprise, hadn't crawled off yet, "Holly? Where are me boots?"

"I don't know Dave."

"But they were just here!"

"What," Holly shifted with a nervous smile, "the boots you always wear? The leather ones with the belts on the side?"

"Yes Holly, _those_ boots!"

"Hmmm… Nope no idea."

"Hol." He looked at the computer with an annoyed sigh, "I _know_ you know so just tell me."

Holly raised an eyebrow, "How do you know that I know?"

"Because I do! Just tell me."

"Oh alright then… Rimmer flushed them out into space. He said 'they're disgusting! Dear god! They smell worse than a dead sheep in the folds of Lister's laundry basket that's been left for a year and a half and has practically melted into putrid slop! I'll have to get rid of them! Don't tell Lister Holly or I'll grab that fire axe and strategically embed it in your data banks. By the Tom Jones section!'" The computer frowned, "whoops."

"Trust Rimmer!" Lister plonked himself onto the bottom bunk with a scowl, "Well that's just great; I'll have to wear me orange moon boots now."

…….

…….

More coming very soon. Sorry it was boring; it's only the beginning so hopefully it'll get better as we go through. And people will get hurt. Mostly Lister. And Rimmer I suppose. Yay :)

Reviews are welcome. In fact, if you don't review I might just have to get my trusty baseball bat out. Ahem…


	2. robots and moon boots

**Z** – Wait a minute you're telling me that there actually _are_ planets that don't begin with Ohmygod? Really? Well, you think someone would have told me! Hurrumph.

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – cheers for all the nice stuff you said dear! And thanks for telling me to write 'bang', ah the joy! I like it! Also, hope Piere is doing his job!

**IrishEyesAreSmiling** – nice name! I love red dwarf, so glad they do fanfics on it.

**SenatorSolo** – hey, nice to have reviews from you again! thanks

**Tower of Babel** – yeah you're right about the out of character bit, thanks for saying you liked it anyway lol.

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy **– hehe, thanks dear! I like the word woot, has a nice ring to it lol!

Okay, I apologise, most sincerely for this load of rubbish. You don't have to read the first bit, I don't like it! Skip a couple of paragraphs you won't miss anything!

…….

…….

Lister walked tiredly to the boarding ramp, holding back a grin at his crewmates. Honestly, you'd think the world's hottest models were coming, with what they were wearing. He had to literally shield his eyes away from Cat, who was glittering with sequins and shining fatal light beams into unsuspecting eyes.

"So, what are you waiting for… Let them aboard."

Some eerie smoke wafted forward. And then… At least ten robots filed in down the ramp, "Oh hello sirs!"

"Oh hello sirs!"

"Oh hello sirs!"

Rimmer cowered behind Lister, "Oh god, it's attack of the evil service droids!"

The nearest one stuck its arms up jerkily, as if to signal peace, "Oh my, no sirs, please forgive us! We were just floating by in our ship when we spotted your mining vessel. And we thought to ourselves 'they could use our services!' so here we are sirs. Where do you want us?"

Lister looked confused and it wasn't the first time, "You what?"

"We offer our services to you sir!"

"You what?" he said again.

"We offer our services to you sir!"

"You what?"

"Oh for god's sake!" said Rimmer.

Lister looked a little awkward, "We don't want your _services_ man, we're fine by ourselves."

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-" the mechanoid said, "b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-"

"Oh, he's stuck on the loop again!"

Another stepped forward, "What we mean is, our previous masters sent us out on a ship so that we could help whoever we bump into to. And seen as our ship is 'buggered up' as you human's say, we have no choice!"

Lister backed away a little, "Yeah, and what we're saying is we don't _need_ your help."

The mechanoid's lip quivered, and the next thing they knew, all of the droids had burst out into hysterical fits of crying.

Lister wasn't expecting that, "No… look I didn't _mean_ it."

"We're n-not _good_ enough for-for you!" the mechanoid said in between heart wrenching sobs.

"No, no that's not what I meant man, I'm sorry-"

"WE'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!"

"No, you can stay, it's alright!"

The droid wiped his eyes, even though he was incapable of having any tears, "Oh, no, we wouldn't want to be a BURDEN to you sir! It's just HARD you know… being _REJECTED_ all the time!"

"We're not rejecting you; they can stay with us right guys?"

Cat looked thoroughly disgusted yet again, "_What_! Get rid of them monkey! They're cramping my style!"

Lister patted one of the robots gently on the arm, "Look, you can stay 'til we get another ship for you alright?"

"Oh THANK you sir!"

…….

"Awooga! awooga!"

"What now Holly?"

"Well, I don't wanna worry you or anything, but there seems to be a cherryade spillage on deck 7 from that insane vending machine…" she paused for a moment, thinking, "oh yeah, and there's an unknown life form aboard."

Rimmer leapt from his seat once again, "ALIENS!"

"Rimmer shut the smeg _up_."

"Sir!" said Kryten, "I don't want to cause alarm but it may be one of those creatures from the trio of planets."

"What?"

"The creatures with the big sticky feet!"

"Oh right."

"We should all be on special alert sir!"

"Suit up with bazookoids!" cried Rimmer,

"Suit up with suits!" cried Cat,

Lister rolled his eyes, "Oh for smeg's sake, it's not gonna be anything _bad_."

…….

Rimmer ducked round the corner, hefting the bazookoid up over his shoulder. You could never be too careful with aliens. And he wasn't going to take any chances, especially when there could be mentally-impaired, sticky footed creatures from insane planets which started with Ohmygod, lurking around.

He breathed in deeply, preparing to run down the corridor, when he heard it.

_Squelch_

The hairs prickled on the back of his neck.

What was that?

He listened again, trying to quieten his heavy breathing and the blood pounding in his ears enough to hear it.

There it was again.

A heavy squelching. A sticky foot pressed against the floor. Rimmer's heart beat hard against his ribs. It was coming closer.

…….

Lister walked through the corridor, his shoulders slightly slumped forward. He yawned, wondering for a second why he felt so tired. Then he remembered that he hadn't slept the morning before, opting for an extended period of soppy love films in the cinema instead.

He walked straight through the sticky cherryade spillage on deck 7, his mind on the service droids a few decks below him.

They were having a hard time coping with _Kryten_, now they had a load of other obsessed robots to deal with. Lister himself had only just escaped from a crazed one who wanted to give him a _bath_. He grimaced at the very thought. Who did they think they _were_?

Lister didn't notice as he slouched down the passageway, that the cherryade had stuck to the bottom of his rather large orange moon boots. He didn't notice the heavy squelch they made when they came in contact with the floor.

…….

Rimmer shivered, he had to do something. His arm shook as he held the bazookoid; he couldn't see the figure clearly, it was slumped forward, bulky, and framed with shadowy darkness.

Rimmer could feel his lungs burning, realising he was holding his breath. He had to do something!

So he did.

He lunged round the corner, the bazookoid heavy on his arm, without another thought he forced his finger onto the trigger.

…….

Lister didn't notice as he slouched down the passageway, that the cherryade had stuck to the bottom of his rather large orange moon boots. He didn't notice the heavy squelch they made when they came in contact with the floor.

He didn't notice the sound of fire until it was too late.

…….

…….

Taadaa!


	3. whoopsie!

**Reddwarfaddict** – (waves hand in front of her) hellooooo? Oh darn it… not another one! cheers very much for reviewing.

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy** – :( oh dear… you missed saving Lister! What a shame… NOT Muahahaha! …sorry about that… read on my fluffy little friend! Lol :) Oh, and I just remembered, where's your fic dear? I _really_ want to read it! Please put it up soon!

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – ahh Piere, so very glad he's doing his job. Thankyou for the review and your lovely chatty emails, without which I probably would be living under a bridge by now warding off evil hats with a stick… I'm sorry; I honestly don't know where that came from!

**Cazflibs** – I can't tell you what happens - that would give away the whole plot, and frankly I don't know what the hell the plot is! So I'm afraid you'll have to wait and find out lol :)

Okay, I'm so bored and had school today … poor me… :( so here's another chappie, once again, sorry for the lack of goodness.

…….

…….

Pain. Bucket loads of it. Swimming pools of it. Ripping at his chest and writhing through his veins.

He didn't even have a chance to cry out. It felt like he'd just been hit by a hurtling heavy oak grand piano- all the breath was forced from his lungs, and he fell back painfully winded, in time to he hear several something's crack.

The last thing Lister saw was the smoke clearing. (well technically the last thing he saw as the inside of his own eyelids, but for the sake of my of my ever-typing fingers, which refuse to go back we'll just forget about that…) And he vaguely remembered seeing a bazookoid barrel catching the dim light. Someone's hand grasping the worn handle. And… he squinted… a face.

Rimmer's face.

…….

Rimmer squeezed his eyes shut; clutching tightly to the bazookoid as if it was one of his precious Hammond organ CDs.

He'd just _shot_ the creature, he Arnold Judas Rimmer had just _shot_ a creature. He'd just shot a creature and now it was lying a couple of paces away from where he was. But he hadn't had the courage to look at it yet.

Was it really dead?

He cracked open an eye, noticing with a pang that the creature wasn't moving anymore.

A wave of relief swept over him, as he came forward a little more for a closer look.

He soon wished he hadn't.

"Oh smeg!"

…….

Kryten heard the bazookoid fire and ran as fast his quirky legs could to the source. He knew he shouldn't have left them alone!

Anything could have happened!

He didn't expect the other ten robots to all come running as well. So he was at a bit of a loss to find himself wedged in between the corridor walls by a load of frantic mechanoids, many of which were hysterical and one of which who was stuck on a loop and couldn't stop singing 'Peter Andre – Mysterious girl' at his highest volume. The horror!

"Oh smeeee-!"

…….

Cat was having the greatest time! Not only had the vending machines on deck 9 gone totally crazy and deposited gigantic mounds of fish all over the floor, not only had he just designed his perfect outfit for eating featuring gold cufflinks, stripes and a gorgeous bow tie, not only that but there was no sign of goalpost head anywhere!

Strangely, he had a sudden urge to run down to the deck with the cherryade spillage wearing his swanky new outfit, but he couldn't be bothered. So he contented himself with a look in the mirror and a flashy grin.

…….

Rimmer practically dropped to his knees. There were no tears on his face, he couldn't cry. He was past crying. He pulled himself roughly over to the figure of his bunkmate. The figure of his bunkmate who he'd just shot in the chest.

"L-Lister?"

Rimmer fainted.

…….

Coming round a few minutes later, he found with a heavy weight in his stomach, that nothing had changed.

He shuffled over, clenching his hands with the sheer grief of the situation, and only just daring to look at the pale face. Lister was so still. The type of still your ten year old budgie Oswald was when he fell of his perch.

Rimmer clenched his eyes against the sight. The only sign Lister was still living was from the crimson blood slowly trickling from under his shirt and the uneven breathing dragging at his chest.

He had to do something! The blood was oozing onto the floor, reminding him with its steady drip, drip, that he didn't have long. That it was all his fault. He gritted his teeth, and looped a limb underneath Lister, and round his back. Bracing himself he heaved, but to no avail. The younger man was a dead weight. Either that or he'd eaten too much curry the previous night.

Rimmer could hardly dare to breathe.

What had he _done_?

Footsteps approached, but Rimmer couldn't hear them. What the smeg had he done? He sobbed, reaching out a hand to touch Lister's face, which was contorted with pain. Pain he had caused.

"Oh my! Sir! What happened?"

Rimmer looked up to see Kryten with a growing fear on his face. He stuttered, his mouth refusing point blank to obey him, "I…I…I-I-I-"

"Sir?"

"I-I-I-"

Another robot butted in, "Did the… creature do this to him sir?"

Rimmer's breath caught in his throat, "w-what?"

"Girl I wanna be with you! Oh oh! Wanna spend the night with you! Oh oh, just wanna be with the woman that I love! Woah oh oh oh oh! Mysterious girl I wanna get close to-"

"Did the _creature_ do this to him sir?" Kryten demanded, butting the poor robot with its annoying loop out the way.

Realisation dawned, "Oh… oh yes! Yes it did - I got – I got here just in the nick of time!" Rimmer gulped, and proceeded to tell the group of robots an exaggerated tale of woe and deceit where Rimmer was the budding hero who kungfoo-ed the creature away and saved dear damsel-in-distress Lister's life. The words just tumbled out of his mouth, before he could even think.

"Thank you sir," Kryten whimpered, but said, sincerely, "I hate to think what would have happened if you hadn't been here." Kryten scooped Lister up like a limp doll, Rimmer's heart nearly stopped when he saw the spreading scarlet stain. He had to stop himself fainting again when he saw Lister's face. The coffee coloured eyes were open, but strangely glazed over and unseeing. He whispered something, something that sounded an awful lot like 'Rimmer' before his eyes wavered shut again against the pain.

Each of the robots expressed their gratitude to Rimmer before waddling off down to the medibay.

Rimmer gawped. They were thanking him! Thanking him for saving Lister's life when really he'd just shot him squarely in the chest with a mining firearm, causing near death and feeling better about himself when he did!

Kryten sobbed, half bowing to Rimmer, "Oh, what _would_ he do without you sir?"

A bloody hell of a lot more things! Rimmer nearly shouted. But instead he just sat there watching helplessly as Kryten carried Lister off, quickly crowded by the other robots, fussing and crying and singing crap songs.

Rimmer's mouth hung open for the longest time.

What the smegging hell had he done?

…….

…….

Review please, I'm bored and I crave attention.

And if you happen to think at this moment, 'oh nothing bad's gonna happen if I don't review. To hell with reviewing!' then I suggest you reconsider before I set my loyal hat Gerald on you… and I can quite honestly say that you won't like that. Unless, of course, you enjoy prolonged games of scrabble…


	4. whoopsie again! poor Cat

**Zombie kitty** – sorry for the lack of Cat, I got carried away. I can never manage to write characters without something bad happening to them! Here's a chappie, hope it's all right, I tried my best! thanks for the permission lol

**Sunrise** – thank you very much! Dunno what I would do without you dear. Please don't turn into a strange hobo pigeon lady! thanks for the lovely words reguarding this chappie!

**Br1de-of-fr3ddy/Germiphobe** – :) cheers for the review. Thanks so much for putting your fic up! It was so fab! Well done dear!

I don't know what's come over me! There's hardly any Lister in this chapter; it's mostly Rimmer, and bits of Cat. Enjoy:

…….

…….

Lister was doing fine. Albeit still unconscious and bleeding heavily, but fine more or less.

He was lying on the table, while the load of eccentric robots tended him. They weren't doing that good a job. Most were hysterical, and that poor one who couldn't stop singing Peter Andre had been forced from the room, on account of him disturbing everyone with one of the worst artist's ever known.

They were afraid the medical equipment might break from the resonating crap filtering from his mouth.

That poor robot was now trying to commit suicide out the door, it just couldn't take anymore!

…….

Rimmer was still sat on the ground. He couldn't even bring himself to stand up. That was when Cat bounded down and nearly fell into him with an 'I'm so sexy! Aaoooww!',

"Hey there bud!"

Rimmer just looked at him.

"What's the matter? You look like you've just seen Chipmunk cheeks in the shower again!"

Rimmer, still not replying, had taken great interest into staring forcefully at the ground.

Cat raised his eyebrow at the hologram, and decided that he didn't much care why Rimmer wasn't talking. So he carried on about himself, "Do you like my new suit? This baby took me hours to make! See the beaded pattern on the rim?"

Rimmer still didn't answer; in fact, Cat swore he saw something in the hologram's eye that looked out of place. Almost like grief? Maybe even sadness?

He tried to lighten the mood, in the only way Cat knew how, "I look snappier than a crocodile made of mouse traps!"

No reply.

"You're a git!"

Getting no usual retort or verbal abuse, Cat got a bit annoyed, and so danced down the length of the corridor extremely loudly, shouting: "Goalpost head is a smeg head, he's a goalpost and smeg head! Aoow!" and making sure the little lights around his collar were flashing the hologram in the face.

That was when Rimmer spoke.

"Lister got shot."

It wasn't the longest sentence he'd said, but it was definitely one of the most dramatic.

Cat spun round, glittering, "What?"

"I said… I said Lister got shot!" Rimmer's voice broke on the sentence, and he quickly turned away from Cat, afraid of showing his feelings.

"Oh." Cat felt a little uncomfortable, "Is that it?"

There was a pause "What do you mean _is that it_?" Rimmer said, still facing away from the feline, "Don't you care?"

Cat shifted, "Well… not really, no."

Rimmer blurted at the wall: "It's my fault! I feel awful!"

Cat rolled his eyes, keeping safe distance from the crazy hologram, "Well frankly bud, if you're gonna feel this awful you shouldn't have shot him in the first place!"

Rimmer's mouth flapped open, of its own accord, "W-what? I didn't shoot him! It was – it was those sticky foot monsters!"

"Why aren't you with curry breath now?"

"I… I don't want to see him like this."

"What? You don't mind seeing him normally, I can't imagine him looking worse than that!" Cat squinted at him, "what happened?"

Rimmer could hardly take anymore, Cat was getting suspicious. He knew what Rimmer did. The thoughts were beginning to add up in his mind, and the hologram could feel it. He was going to get found out.

Rimmer's heart fluttered like a butterfly called Alfred trapped in a jar with no air holes. His emotions bubbled inside of him; he didn't think he could hold it much longer.

"Shut up!" He shouted, storming past him, and shoving the Cat out of the way.

This proved to be one of the biggest mistakes Rimmer ever made. He forgot about the stairs. The drop slipped his mind. And he most certainly didn't know that when he pushed Cat out of the way, the feline would tumble over the rail and fall three storeys down the stairway.

What a perfectly smeggy day our Rimsy was having.

Of course, being a cat, Cat landed on his feet. As all cat's do. But that didn't help at all, in fact it just proved to shatter his leg bones and cause him to crumple to the ground in a clumsy heap.

The next thing Rimmer knew he was looking down the sharp drop, at Cat who was lying sprawled on the floor below.

It took all his strength to stop himself throwing his body over the edge to join him.

…….

Rimmer burst in through the medibay doors, white-faced and shivering.

"It's – It's Cat!" he managed to cry out, in between quivering breaths.

"What is it sir? What happened this time?"

Rimmer was distraught, not so much for Cat falling, but for Rimmer having _pushed_ him, "He - he _fell_! I couldn't save him, I pushed - he just fe – toppled over the edge!"

Kryten gasped, "Oh dear me sir!" he gestured to three other robots, "The monster flung poor Mr Cat over the railing! We have to help him quickly!"

Rimmer's chest tightened, _it wasn't the monster! _He wanted to scream, _it was me! I did it!_

Kryten had just assumed it was the creature. _Why? Why would he do that? _Rimmer started mumbling something with his eyes clenched closed, and slid down the wall of the medibay with a sob.

With his head in his hands, he cried.

Kryten came over, patting him gently on the shoulder, "It's alright sir," He said sadly, "I'm sure you did the best you could."

"No," Rimmer whimpered, through his fingers, "you don't understand!"

"I do sir!"

"No you don't!" Rimmer couldn't contain it any longer; he had to let them know the truth, no matter how horrible it was. He breathed in a shaky breath, "It was _my_ fault!"

Kryten sighed, "No sir, please don't blame yourself, there was nothing you could do."

"It was my fault! I DID IT!"

"Please sir calm down! We'll get the monster don't you worry."

…….

…….

Oh dear me… I'm at a loss as to what to write next… Review please!


	5. oh dear

Flippin' 'ell, I completely forgot to write this! Cheers to reviewers:

**ZK** – lol don't worry, he's only broken his gorgeous legs!

**Germiphobe** – here's another chappie! Soz for delay,

**Sunrise** – wow, long review! Thankyou very much and you are so right about Jordan and Peter Andre. Both two crappy sods we bloody well could do without.

**Cazflibs – **lol, yeah poor Rimmer :) hope you like the chapter.

Seen as everyone else has decided to update I thought, ah, go on then, I may as well update too.

…….

…….

Cat was looking exceedingly grumpy; he hadn't yet spoken to anyone, and was hobbling around on crutches trying to find the right colour to suit his broken legs.

Rimmer wasn't there. He was still in the medibay with Lister.

Cat rolled his eyes, chucking some orange silk trousers aside with a scowl and wobbling as he did so. He hadn't even remembered what had happened. One minute he was talking to Grand Canyon nostrils, the next he was looking up the nose of someone whose head was shaped like a second-hand novelty condom – gave him the fright of his life!

He looked back over the colours that didn't match, which were strewn over the table. Orange, green, blue, red, black, yellow. Have to go with the purple then.

He tried to pull them on over his plastered legs, but was having a lot of difficulty. He was jiggling about like a fat woman's buttocks during the sale at Gregg's.

Cat trembled, trying his hardest not to fall over, but not wanting to pull too hard, in case he ripped the seams. Now that really would be a disaster!

The door slid open, and a mechanoid bustled in. Thankfully it was not the one who was stuck on a loop of Peter Andre, as that one had committed suicide, and was currently lying hacked to death by one of its own arms outside the medibay. This mechanoid had heard the scuffles from outside, and had come in to help, being the nice mechanoid that it was.

Cat chucked the orange trousers at him, so that they fell around his head like a popped bouncy castle. "I can get changed by myself you know!"

The robot stuttered, "S-sorry sir, I was just wondering if I could help you sir!"

Cat groaned. The pain was beginning to set in again. Worming its way up his through his bones.

"My poor gorgeous legs!" he sat heavily down in a chair, flopping the indigo trousers down with him, "The world will have to go without their beauty for… for a hell of a long time! Everyone'll go barmy!"

Cat wailed on for about twenty minutes, about how unfair it was that his sexy limbs were being hidden from the world, how just plain wrong it was, and how he felt sorry that all the females wouldn't be getting the whole package.

After his rant, Cat looked up, finding the robot folding his clothes neatly in a pile. "What are you doing?" He said shocked, "You have to fold them in order of colour and _sexiness_!"

"I-I'm so sorry sir!"

"You should be! What would I do if I woke up and found my plaited socks mixed with my sequined green bow tie? I'd go crazy!"

…….

Lister had already opened his eyes. But when he saw who was sat next to him he shut them again, _tight_.

Rimmer was there. Last night's events flashed in front of Lister's eyes. Rimmer.

Rimmer had shot him.

Rimmer had shot him?

Git.

His whole body was aching, and from what he could feel there were bandages bound across his chest, holding his ribs together. Didn't feel like they were doing a good job, it was like trying to hold the Eiffel tower up by pieces of year-old used chewing gum.

Lister lifted his eyelids up slowly, looking at the hologram between his eyelashes, _what was he doing here?_ Lister frowned. _What the smeg did he think he was doing?_

Rimmer noticed the grimace, "Lister?"

He grasped the younger man's hand as if to comfort him, but all Lister felt was anger and he fought the urge to crush Rimmer's fingers beneath his in a tight grip.

Rimmer was getting worried now, Lister hadn't yet woken, and it seemed as though he was in worse pain than before. He whispered softly, "Lister, it's okay, please, please wake up!"

Okay? It was okay? What was he thinking! Lister gritted his teeth, forcing back the words that were threatening to come out.

"Lister, please?" it was a heartbreaking plead. But strangely, instead of softening, as he usually would, Lister felt repulsed. He snatched his hand away from Rimmer's as if his touch had burnt.

"Lister?"

Lister's eyes were now open, and his disgusted glare was piercing through Rimmer's eyes, and he backed away slowly, hurt.

"Lister - please! It's alright - everything's fine now."

Lister gaze was studded with hurt and anger, and when he finally spoke the words broke Rimmer's heart.

"Get.away.from.me!"

"What's going on sirs?"

Now Kryten was getting involved, Rimmer could barely take anymore.

_They are going to find out. Now you've blown it. They'll never forgive you now._

Rimmer could feel the tears pricking his eyes.

_Who would ever forgive you anyway? Everyone hates you. You've never kept a friend for more than two and a half minutes, have you? _

Shut up!

_Wonder what they'll do. Probably leave you. Everybody does. Leave you manacled on that planet with all those ugly killers on it. I'm surprised they didn't realise what you were like in the first place. _

Rimmer gripped his head tightly, No! Go away, leave me alone!

_Oh. You sound just like your friend there, _the voice laughed now, the sound ringing in Rimmer's ears like a bad record_, He's repulsed by you. He doesn't even want to look at you. You make him physically sick._

"No!"

"Mr Rimmer?"

Rimmer shakily breathed in, wringing his hands. He couldn't look at Lister anymore.

So he ran.

…….

"What's the matter sir?"

Lister was past angry now, he had forced himself to stand up, albeit being supported by Kryten, and his voice cracked as he spoke, but he kept going, "There's no monster aboard Krytes, it was _Rimmer_!"

"I'm sorry sir?"

"Rimmer did it all, he made it all up! He shot me, and he _pushed_ Cat down the stairs - I can't believe him, he had the cheek to tell me it was all okay! He could have killed somebody!"

"But sir, it couldn't-"

Lister cut him off, "I saw him! I saw him do it," there were tears in his eyes now, angry ones and heart-wrenchingly sad ones that glistened on his cheeks. He had trusted Rimmer, and now suddenly everything had gone wrong, he didn't understand what the smeg was happening. The only thing he could feel was the pain. It drove him on. And Rimmer was the one who had caused it. "I don't want to believe it but it's true! _He's a lying weasely git_!" Lister sat back on the bed, his head in his hands, "Why did he do it man? What did we do wrong?"

…….

Rimmer ran and kept running.

They were after him now; _everyone_ knew what he had done.

He knew he deserved everything that they were going to do to him, but he was scared. He was _always_ scared. His heart was beating hard, and it told him to run.

Run away.

Rimmer didn't know where he was going, he was gasping for breath now, but he didn't care. He just had to get away, so he ran faster, his legs were heavy like lead, but he kept going. He was somewhere in the cargo decks now, the dull throbbing of the ship could be heard, and the lights above were a dim soft red, casting shadows along the walls.

He stopped.

And it was then that he heard it…

A squelching. A heavy thick squelchy foot pressed against the floor.

His ears pricked up.

It was around the corner.

And he knew it wasn't Lister this time.

…….

…….

Review please, I very much appreciate it, and it makes my day! x.x


	6. the smegging monster strikes

**Bex** – cheers! Hope you like the chapter, and indeed death to the Celebrity Chavs! Couldn't have put it better meself ;)

**ZK** – well, that was a nice Cat-obsessed review, thanks enjoy!

**Germiphobe** – naa, you can never be angry at Rimmer for too long, but oh well!

This is quite a long chapter for me lol!

…….

…….

"Mr Lister please, you must calm down."

Lister was sat down on the medibay bed, wincing at the strain he was putting on his chest, "You're right man. I'm sorry." he looked down at the bandages encircling his torso, grimacing at the bright red stains already seeping through. "Oh great."

"Sir, you have to take it easy!" Kryten said, bustling off to get more bandages, he took some from the cabinet, saying quietly to himself, or so he thought, "The bleeding should have stopped by now."

Lister heard it, "What? It should?"

Kryten jumped, "Oh! Did I say that out loud sir?" He came back over and unravelled the old bandages, "I'm sorry!"

Lister looked uneasy, "What did you mean it should have stopped?"

"Oh don't worry sir, I'm sure it's nothing!" but the forced smile never left his face, and stayed plastered on as he began to wrap the new bandages tightly over Lister's chest. He couldn't help but look concerned as Lister tried his best not to cry out at the pain.

The wound wasn't looking any better; a blistering burn, running up the left hand side, which was still bleeding and, to Kryten's dismay, showed no sign of stopping.

"I don't understand it sir. A bazookoid shouldn't do this much damage, normally the bazookoids wouldn't leave a dent in a jelly!"

"Then why does it smegging _hurt_ so much?"

"Well it seems that someone has upgraded them sir,"

Lister hugged his bandaged chest tight, willing the pain to bugger off, "But there's no one on this ship who knows how." He breathed in carefully, "Is there?"

…….

Rimmer was nigh on fainting. The creature was only a couple of metres away, but in the dim red glow he couldn't see it. He couldn't blooming see it, but he sure could hear it.

_Squelch_

He never thought such a stupid sound could cause his heart to do a back flip.

_Squelch_

Rimmer opened the eyes he didn't know he had squeezed shut and clutched the corner of the wall tightly, it was there! It was right there! So close, he could almost reach out and touch it. He spun round, shooting out his hands in a Kungfoo move.

"Who's there?"

But there was no one. No creature, no anything.

"I'm warning you! I didn't get two swimming certificates for nothing!"

_Squelch_

Now there was no mistaking where that one came from. Rimmer felt himself shivering, but it bloody well wasn't from the cold.

A large globule of… of something dripped onto his shoulder, he whimpered, barely able to move.

It was above him, suckered to the ceiling with its ugly squelchy feet. He knew it was there, he could feel its hot reeking breath on the back of his neck.

Somehow, smeg knows how, he forced himself to look up.

He was greeted with a pair of the ugliest eyes he had _ever_ seen. They were a harsh snotty green, with pinprick pupils and bloodshot veins worming in and out.

The creature howled. Its rank breath slamming into Rimmer along with some disgustingly whitish gunk that Rimmer knew better than to think what it was.

I think it goes without saying that Rimmer screamed like a 2 year old girl, and legged it.

…….

Lister was finally allowed out of the medibay, Kryten had reluctantly agreed, as he had to clear away the remains of the poor singing I'm-stuck-on-a-loop-of-peter-andre-and-can't-live-with-myself-anymore mechanoid who had committed suicide outside the door.

Lister sighed, he wasn't alone though. One of the skutters had been forced to come along, and he was whizzing down the corridors while Lister strived to keep up, "Hol," he wheezed, at the monitor on the wall, "is that life form still onboard?"

She shook her locks at him, "Nope. In fact, I doubt it was there in the first place! But if it is, it's out of range of my scanners."

"What d'you mean?"

"I mean, someone's been _tinkering_."

"You what?"

"Someone's been tinkering with my system!"

"_Tinkering_?"

"Yes!"

Lister frowned as the thought of Rimmer popped into his already confuddled brain. It _had_ to be Rimmer. There was no one else on the ship that would do it. Lister leant on the wall for a moment, _So he fooled the scanners into thinking something was onboard so he could wipe out the crew and blame it on someone else?_

In a twisted way that sounded like something Rimmer would do.

But had Rimmer changed from that cowardly smeghead that used to put his underwear on coat hangers and who's idea of a good Saturday night was going through his collection of 20th century telegraph poles?

The skutter whizzed back, pushing Lister's legs lightly, he wanted to go for a walk. No one had ever taken him for one before and he was rather enjoying it. Maybe he could get Lister to throw him a stick.

…….

Cat was currently hobbling along, trying to get to the medibay room where he could moan to someone about his gorgeous legs.

He'd _finally_ accepted the crutches, after falling over too many times, and almost endangering the lives of his precious suits when he fell into one on his way out.

However, he'd refused point blank to stick with the boring grey metal, so instead had spent the last half hour jazzing them up.

The new ones featured: numerous amounts of glitter and sequins, zips for accessory and stylish purposes, disco balls on the tops, and little lights, which, if you pressed a button on the side, lit up and spelled out words.

So far he had only managed to write 'Look out ladies!', but he was sure he could write 'Rimmer is a smegpot' in time for their next meeting.

Cat was so busy caring about his sexiness, that he didn't hear the sudden squelching working its way down the corridor:

"Aooowwww! Yeah! I'm still sexy! Even my sexy broken legs are sexy! I'm so sexy I'd even look good if I was covered with gunk!"

A large blob of gunk landed on his shoulder.

"Huh?"

……

Rimmer ran straight into Lister, smacking them both into the wall with a crack. Lister gasped, pushing the covered-with-thick-oozing-saliva-which-was-sliding-down-his-face-apparently-with-a-mind-of-its-own Rimmer off of him.

He spluttered, pain jabbing in his side, "_Rimmer_?"

"THERE'S A SMEGGING _MONSTER _ON THIS SHIP!"

"You what?"

Rimmer was hysterical, he was practically jumping on the spot, making blobs of gunky dribble wobble and plop to the floor, "It squashed - it squashed a skutter! There's nothing left of Bob but a couple of screws and crushed metal! He's more smashed up than a Peter Andre CD when there's a mallet nearby and a load of sane teenagers!"

The skutter that had been forced along squealed in fright and hurtled into the wall.

Lister didn't bother to meet Rimmer's eyes; he couldn't, not anymore, "Oh right Rimmer, the monster did it."

"It did! You have to help! Get Kryten!"

Lister lifted his gaze, sending a shudder through the hologram as his cold eyes met his. "Rimmer, we don't _believe_ you anymore. I dunno why the smeg we did in the first place." He backed off slightly, "I don't know what happened but I _do_ know that _you_ had something to do with it!"

"Look at me!" Rimmer whispered, the sticky threads gunking down his front, it would have been comical if the situation wasn't so god damn awful, "How can you _say_ that? You think I would do this to _myself_?"

"Yes. I can't believe you expect me to trust you after what you've done! I _hate_ you Rimmer!"

Rimmer couldn't believe this was happening, "We don't have time for this! The _monster_ is coming!"

"Rimmer _you're_ the monster! We _know_ you did all this! Stop blaming it on something else alright? Would you for once, just accept that it's your fault!"

Rimmer grabbed Lister by the arm, dragging him back to the medibay at a run.

The skutter trailed behind them, leaking brake fluid tears as it mourned poor Bob.

Lister struggled, "What the smeg are you doing? Get off me!"

"I'm saving your life Lister!"

They stopped suddenly. A harsh cry echoed around the walls. Setting their teeth on edge.

There was no mistaking who's it was.

Especially when they heard a 'Get off my suit buddy, we clash!' afterwards.

…….

…….

Review please!


	7. buds, blood and brake fluid

Thanks to: 

**Bex – **indeed, the words 'smash' and 'Peter Andre CD' go _very, very_ well together. Thanks for the review! Hope you update soon on your fic

**ZK – **Whoop! I can't believe how much stuff you posted! So I thought, hey if she's writing loads I may as well put another chapter up. Loving the stories

**Cazflibs – **here you go, another chappie! Glad you think it's interesting lol.

Hugs to you wonderful reviewers, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Sorry for the shortness, more coming soon.

…….

…….

"Cat!" Lister shouted, immediately, turning around and running back.

"Lister stop!" Rimmer tried to grasp at Lister's arm as he ran, but missed, slipping over in the brake fluid left by the depressed skutter and pin wheeling into the last human.

"Oof!"

It was then that the lights flickered and went out, plunging the corridor into a murky gloom.

Rimmer got up slowly, dusting the non existent dust from his uniform and squinting, "Lister! Where are you?"

He got no reply, and shivered at the way his voice reverberated around the empty passageway.

"Lister!"

He felt something wet and sticky on his hands, glancing at them in surprise. It was blood; he could see it glistening even through the gloom. _Lister's_ blood. He must have been more injured than he let on. And now he'd gone and legged it off to save Cat like the dim-witted hero he was.

_Goit_.

…….

"Get off me evil bud monster! Help! The most gorgeous guy on the ship is getting Catnapped! Do you know the damage he's doing to my sequins! I don't even wanna _think_ about the stitching! It's gonna take hours to dye the lilacs! And what about my sexy crutches with flashy lights that spell out amusing witticisms! He's cramping my style! And his breath stinks! Someone save me! Or at least get him some polos!-"

And so on…

Cat was getting dragged through the corridors complaining loudly about the scuffing of his shoes and other important issues.

The creature who was doing the dragging, as I'm sure you'll all know by now, was intelligent, generously evil, and most importantly _hungry_.

But it loved to drag out the suspense, as all evil creatures tend to do. So didn't mind going hungry for a little while longer.

It had picked up some gory horror films on its travels (Revenge of the Mutant Zombie Broccoli Soufflé, Death to the rubber duckies, Linda Barker's yoga video, and other such classics) and had decided that the only _decent_ thing to do was kill the victims properly. This meant letting the others scare themselves stupid before the creature ate them.

Monsters had a reputation to live up to after all.

…….

"Oh! He's been gone for too long!" Kryten said, wringing his hands with worry. "I knew I shouldn't have let him out, what if he encountered something? What if a big monster is digesting him slowly in one of its 7 stomachs?(!)"

"Please, calm down." The mechanoid on his right said, they had named him 'Two' on account of him being the second robot they named. Not very imaginative I know. But they didn't have much time on their hands at the moment.

"Calm down? How can I calm down Two? Mr Lister's gone and it's my _entire_ fault!"

"We'll go and look for them!"

The lights went off. Luckily for them, robot Six had a rather large torch installed in his forehead. He quickly switched it on, and they began the search.

…….

Lister was having regrets about what he was doing right now. Running off with an alien killing machine on the war path, no weapons, and an aching chest with cracked ribs that was bleeding profusely was not the _best_ idea he had come up with.

But he was stuck with it now. No doubt Rimmer had gone off to cower behind a box or something.

Lister stopped for a moment, to get his breath back. Although he wouldn't admit it, the run had taken a lot out of him. The steady throb of his chest was restricting his breathing, and he gasped now, leaning against a wall and forcing air into his lungs.

He squinted.

He could see a light.

No, _several_ lights. Winking at him in the darkness and beckoning him forward with their soft glow. Lister willingly obeyed, not liking the way the darkness enveloped him, his claustrophobia only a hair's breadth away.

He squinted again. The lights were in a strange pattern, but he couldn't make it out yet, so he stepped towards them again. Now he could make them out. The elegant words: 'Rimmer is a smegpot' pinpricked carefully in the darkness before him. He smiled. Either his childish imagination and loss of blood were getting the better of him, or Cat was somewhere nearby. He hoped it was the latter, because the former wasn't looking very appealing right now.

"Cat? Cat, where are you man?"

He could make out the shape of the abandoned crutch on the floor, the lights flashing their message at him chirpily. He picked it up, using the stylish beam to guide his way.

Cat may be a self obsessed feline, but he sure knew how to accessorize.

…….

Rimmer didn't know what to do. He'd already walked quite far down the corridor now, but with no sign of Lister or Cat, he was beginning to wonder whether he should just go and get Kryten.

But no, he couldn't. The mechanoid already thought he was killing off the crew. Rimmer didn't want to think what would happen if he just turned up, covered in Lister's blood, saying that Lister had run off with Cat, into he clutches of some evil monster no one thought existed. No. He'd have to go on alone.

Not a very good idea in the circumstances, but probably for the best.

One of the main thing's wrong with this plan of action was that, both him and Lister were lightly coated in the skutter's brake fluid, Rimmer having slipped in it, and taking Lister with him.

Highly flammable brake fluid I might add. Let's just hope no sparks or flames get anywhere close.

…….

…….

Please review. ;)


	8. dangled, mangled and blown up

Cheers to **Bex** and **cazflibs** for reviewing! Faithful reviewers, hugs to you!

Hope this is alright. I couldn't be bothered to make it any better, it took me long enough to write anyway!

Okay dears, Remember to read _and review._

…….

…….

With only a couple of lights to guide his way, Lister stumbled on through the corridors wondering why the smeg he hadn't got anywhere yet.

The soft glow of light allowed him only to see a few centimetres ahead; so consequently, he had nearly knocked himself out on a few walls that he hadn't turned quick enough to avoid.

It was so dark ahead. Lister couldn't hide an apprehensive shiver as he walked even further into the gloom.

The wounds on his chest were beginning to burn again, but he couldn't spare them further thought, he was too focused on finding Cat.

Although, that didn't mean he couldn't stop and close his eyes against the pain from time to time. He hugged his chest tightly, no, what was he thinking? He couldn't stop. He had to keep going.

And that was when he slipped, falling flat on his buttocks with a groan, and smashing the glowing crutch against the ground as he did so.

The tiny lights shattered, sending glistening fragments across the floor. Lister moaned, how the smeg was he going to find Cat now?

Fortunately for the last human, a light began to glow almost straight away. Unfortunately for the last human, the light that was glowing was a great big fire caused by the spark of smashed light against the extremely flammable floor he had just slipped on.

"Arrrggghhh!"

…….

"Lister!" Rimmer's mouth hung wide open. He shielded his eyes from the blinding light ahead of him, and knew without a doubt that Lister had got himself into another smegging, and bizarrely typical, scenario.

"Smeg! How come you never smegging listen to me? You're such a smegging goit!" somehow, Rimmer couldn't manage to keep the tremor from his voice.

He stepped forward, peering ahead with a whimper, as if considering whether or not to be a hero or bugger off.

He just couldn't decide.

…….

"Look, it's a skutter!" Robot Six cried, pointing at the approaching robot and wiggling his torch head about frantically.

The depressed skutter meandered slowly along the floor, coming to a halt before the mechanoids.

Kryten waved at it, "Hello!"

The skutter looked up, moving its head to the side with a slight whirring noise.

"What's that?" Kryten said with a gasp, "There's a huge monster that's kidnapped the Cat, and Mr Lister has run off to save him, and Mr Rimmer is considering going to save Mr Lister, but is too much of a coward, and now a huge fire has broken out which has nothing to do with your brake fluid?"

The skutter whirred again. It was trying to ask for directions to the nearest post office so it could ship some coupons for tinned spaghetti off to Hawaii, but Kryten seemed to be getting the wrong end of the stick.

"Oh my!" the mechanoid cried, "We must hurry! There's no telling what horrible things have already befallen them!"

And off the robots ran.

The skutter rolled off, even more depressed now. It looked like it would have to find the Post office by itself. Well it wouldn't be the first time.

…….

Cat was currently dangling from the ceiling by his feet.

"Help! I'm dangling from the ceiling by my gorgeous feet!"

Oh, sorry. Cat was currently dangling from the ceiling by his _gorgeous_ feet, while the monster was sat hunched in the corner.

It seemed to be waiting for someone to come along as a rescue attempt, but wasn't having much luck at the moment.

No one was coming.

And to the Cat's dismay he was still hanging from the ceiling by his gorgeous feet. And… some disgustingly gunky stuff that looked an awful lot like drool.

"How am I going to get this gunk off the suede?" he said with a sob, staring up at his lilac suede boots, the tassels and braids flopping at an odd angle off them. "I'll never get it out! Another tragic fashion accessory lost to evil creatures we meet floating in space! I still haven't managed to get over the other 73 times!"

…….

The torch beam settled slowly on a figure in the distance. The mechanoids hurried over to it, quietly. From his cowardly posture, it could only be one person.

"Oh! Mr Rimmer we've _found_ you!"

Rimmer nearly jumped out of his uniform, which would have been a sight to see. But he calmed down slightly at the sign of Kryten and said bluntly, "Lister's gone and blown himself up."

Kryten squealed, "Oh poor Mr Lister!"

"And the Cat's got himself catnapped."

"Oh poor Mr Cat!"

"And _I've_ been through hell and back trying to save them!"

"Oh poor…" Kryten trailed off, "sir, which way did they go?"

Rimmer pointedly vaguely to the right, feeling more than a little dumbfounded at the sudden change in events.

"You'll have to come with us sir!" Kryten bristled.

"What? I'm not coming with you! That's like signing your own death certificate and listening to 'Now That's What I Call Rocking Grannies' Music' whilst jumping off the end of a cliff with pointy rocks and strategically placed pancake batter ladles at the bottom!"

"But sir, if we leave you here the monster will probably come and get you!" he shook his head, "And as relieving as that sounds to _me_, I'm not sure _you_ would enjoy it quite as much! After all, there is safety in numbers sir."

"Oh fine! But if you're wrong Kryten, I might just have to use your head as the toilet plunger again."

…….

Cat sniffed.

Then frowned.

Then sniffed again.

Quite a hard thing to do really when you're hanging upside down from the ceiling by your gorgeous feet.

He sniffed once more. It was Hemorrhoid cream head and the horde of manic mechanoids.

Oh so now they were coming to rescue him! After the saliva had fully soaked into his suede boots, and the volume of his hair had increased ten fold? What type of rescue do you call that? It was barely even worth them coming now!

…….

"What do we do sir?"

"I don't know! This was your idea." Rimmer whispered, following Kryten and the others as they concealed themselves behind a large row of boxes at the end of the room.

The monster could be plainly seen hunched in the shadows and growling quietly to itself. Rimmer's heart was beating faster than a hyperactive egg whisk on full pelt.

"How about, you lot go sacrifice yourselves while I cower behind here and wait for the monster to get bored?"

"Sir, that doesn't sound like a very good plan to me, I mean, who would rescue Mr Lister?" Kryten whispered back.

"I'm sure Lister is fine," Rimmer squeaked, even though he knew he was spouting utter smeg, "What really counts now is _my_ personal and undivided safety!"

"Sir, you're a smeeeee! A smeeeeee heeeeeeeaaaaaad!"

"A what?"

"Oh never mind sir. But I'm afraid we're not going with your plan, are we?"

Kryten spun around. Where had they gone?

Oh dear, it was too late. The other robots had heard the plan and gone off to obey the orders.

"Oh dear!"

The sounds of crunching metal and mechanoid wails could be heard.

Kryten grimaced, looking above the wooden box they were trembling behind, "Oh no! The monster's got Two!"

"Got to what? What's it got to? Not my Hammond organ CDs!" Rimmer asked worriedly,

Kryten rolled his eyes, "No. He's got _Two _sir, he's smashed him into smaller pieces than McDonalds chicken nuggets!"

"You what?"

The mechanoid screwed up his face at the horrific events before him, barely bringing himself to see anymore, "Oh! And he's _killed_ Four!"

"Killed for _what_?"

Kryten, sighed in relief, "Wait, it's alright sir - he survived!"

Rimmer frowned, "He's done what to Five?"

"Oh do shut the smeg up sir!"

…….

…….

Please review, I'll get bored and stop writing this load of crap if you don't.

You're not supposed to cheer, that was a threat!

Noodles for now, alex x.x


	9. nothing happens yet

Wow… I haven't done this in _ages_. Been a bit preoccupied with coursework crap, school, rehearsals, friends, cows who are trying to be nice to me (I _hate_ them!), Hallowe'en stuff, sporks, singing, and all the rest of the crappy stuff I tend to do.

Cheers very much to reviewers: **ZK**, **Sunrise** and **Cazflibs**! I love you! Have a hug!

…….

…….

Cat was still hanging upside down from the ceiling by his gorgeous feet. Except this time he was swaying side to side, trying not to get hit by flying projectile mechanoid body parts and wrinkle in his suit at the same time.

A rather hard thing to do.

"You buds have no respect!" he said swerving to the side as an arm wafted his way, "It's a good job this hair mousse is gravity defying, or I'd look worse than goalpost head by now!"

The monster thing growled at him, with a rear of its ugly head. Cat grimaced, which he didn't like to do, as it creased his fabulous facial features. No one had got the polos yet, and the monster's breath seemed to be getting worse.

A flying mechanoid head flew past his left ear, squealing an apology as it whooshed by.

Cat rolled his eyes, "well it's too late now! I've never had such a traumatic experience in all my life! I've smelled breath worse than Lister's armpits!"

…….

Lister was having a hard time determining what the smeg he was doing.

Where he was.

How he got there.

Why it was so hazy.

No… _smoky_.

There was so much _smoke_, stinging at his eyes. He could taste it too.

It was strange - not like the cigarettes that he could puff away on for days just to annoy Rimmer. Not like that at all. This taste was hot, smouldering and burnt his tongue, making him long for water, which he had never done in his whole life. Beer, yes. But _water_?

It was for insane fitness freaks and people who ate _vegetables._

Then there was the small fact of him lying on his stomach on the clammy floor, his head resting in the crook of his elbow, trying to fight off the pain shooting along his brow.

He forced the smoky air into his lungs, wincing at the rising nausea threatening to overcome him.

…….

"Buds! Get me outta here!"

"Maybe we should get Mr Cat now sir, the monster is being distracted by those poor brave mechanoids!"

Rimmer didn't reply.

"Sir?" Kryten looked around, to see Rimmer cowering in the back corner, and making a run for the door.

"Oh sir!" Kryten said, going over to Rimmer in that annoyingly persistent way that he does when he wants someone to do something for him.

"Kryten," Rimmer said, with a forced smile, "I have _another _plan, it's called the 'Rimmer runs away and hides while Kryten saves Cat and Lister and makes it seem like Rimmer has been the hero, when really he's been cowering in the cockpit drinking cocoa' plan. And it mainly consists of me running away and hiding while you save Cat and Lister and make it seem like I've been the hero, when really I've been cowering in the cockpit drinking cocoa, and I think it's the best plan to go with. So if you wouldn't mind?"

"Sir you are a smmmeeeeee heeeeeeeeadd!"

Rimmer edged towards the door, "You already said that in the last chapter."

"Oh, I do apologise sir!"

"So do I!" said Rimmer, and with that he scarpered through the door and back along the corridor.

…….

It was coming back to him in pieces.

Little bitty pieces, like tiny portions you get in five star restaurants that cost a million pounds. And that's what it felt like too. Every tiny detail that came back to him cost a million stabbing needles along his body, a million painful breaths.

He'd managed to see past the smoke to his arms, which his throbbing head was resting on. They were burnt, red and raw, and at that moment he felt the sheer pain of it. Like white hot nails on a black board. Like red blistering vindaloo sauce. Like Rimmer's Hammond organ music on full volume.

He just wanted to scream.

But he couldn't.

Lister tried to focus his eyes, but the smoke was too thick, making it impossible to see more than a couple of centimetres from where he lay. He'd have to get up, and with a contorted face and bite of his lip, he did.

Cat. That was why he was here. He had to find _Cat_.

His brain didn't seem to be working properly. It didn't seem to realise that with all the pain Lister was experiencing at the moment, he should be unconscious, in a coma, or even dead.

But, in a way it was a good job that it was _Lister_ in this situation.

If it had been Rimmer, the hologram would have died from the pure shock of doing something so heroic.

If it had been Cat he would have died from the pure shock of getting soot on his shoes/suit/face.

If it had been Kryten he would have thrown himself into the waste disposal unit by now from thinking he had failed everyone _and_ hadn't finished the laundry in the process.

So yeah… Lister was the best one for the job.

…….

Kryten trued his best to sneak up to Cat and untie his bonds, but it was proving rather difficult. Cat was quite high up, and try as he might, Kryten couldn't reach up enough to bring him down. Also, Cat wasn't making the situation any easier by forbidding the mechanoid to touch him as he had _dirt_ on his hands.

"Please sir! I need to get you down!"  
"No!" Cat said with a fold of his arms, "Wash your hands first bud!"  
Kryten considered this for a second before replying: "That's a very good suggestion sir, with just three _minor_ drawbacks. One, I'm a mechanoid, and can't come into contact with water, two, there seems to be a monster blocking the door and the nearest sink is quite far away, and three, WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME SIR!"

"Okay, okay!"

…….

…….

Please review! I'll try to do the next chapter soonish, soz for the delay!

Oh yeah, I'm getting bored of my name, so any ideas for what I could change it to?


	10. Alex is bored out of her hat

Just wondering if anyone's seen black books?

Thanks to:

**Sunrise** – you demand, I write, Taadaaa! Thankyou!

**ZK** – lol, I'm continuing - yay! Glad you like me taking the mik. Thanks once again for your nice ideas on my other fic QI/Red dwarf, I'll use them wisely!

**Reddwarfaddict** – wow, thanks for all your lovely reviews! Injured for life you say? Interesting…

**Cazflibs** – Thankyou! blushes and go stripy socks!

…….

…….

Rimmer was currently scampering along the corridors, like a lost gerbil. He whimpered, shivering slightly. It was dark down here. What happened to the lights? He saw an illuminated screen on the wall, and ran over to it in hope of finding something useful.

He found Holly.

Bit of a disappointment.

"What the smeg is going on here?" Holly said with a swish of golden hair. "I haven't seen you in ages, not that I wanted to," she added as an afterthought, "It's like everyone has completely forgotten about me!"

"I know how you feel," said Rimmer thoughtfully, "Have you seen Lister around here anywhere?"  
"No," she smiled, "I was playing scrabble for hours on end with a skutter. With its limited number of fingers the game was quite slow going…"

"Mmm."

"Oh hang on a minute, I remember! There was a huge explosion about half an hour ago about the time I got a triple word score."

Rimmer's mouth flopped open, "An _explosion_?"

"Yep."

"OH SMEG!"

With that Rimmer ran off down the corridor.

"Wait!" shouted Holly after him, "don't leave me, I want to be where the action is or I'll be left alone for hours on end, be forgotten about, and no one will write about me!"

…….

Meanwhile, Kryten had just managed to get Cat down from the ceiling, with the help of some steel wire, a ping pong ball and some used green chewing gum. I'm not going to tell you how he did it. You can use your _own_ imagination.

Cat sighed in relief, "For a minute there I thought the chewing gum wasn't going to hold! If I'd have died I would have killed you!"

"Thank you sir."

An agonising howl soon brought Cat to his senses.

"The monster!" Cat said, "Oh bud, it's gonna slobber all over my jacket!"

Kryten nodded, wide eyed, "I think the best thing for us to do now is to run away sir!"

"Bud I think you're right!"

"Let's run then sir!"

A few moments passed.

"Let's run then sir!"

"I _am_ running!" Cat pouted, "It's you that's not running!"

"How come we're not getting anywhere then sir?"

They looked down, noticing with a grimace that their feet were glued to the floor with some disgusting gunky stuff.

Cat squealed, "My shoes!"

The monster loomed above them, casting a colossal shadow across our dear Cat and Kryten.

"Oh dear."

……..

"Lister! Lister where are you?"

Rimmer was tired of hearing nothing in reply but his own voice.

He had long since given up on his eyesight, the darkness was eating away at the corridor, a few lights fizzling and spitting white hot speaks as he walked under them.

There was a figure, he could just make out, slumped against the side. He stopped, "Lister?"

No answer. There was _never_ an answer; Rimmer thought angrily, he didn't even know why he bothered asking in the first place!

He inched forward, stretching out a hologramic hand to reach him.

Lister turned to face him.

…….

"Oh smeg, we're deader than corduroy shorts and a hand knitted Christmas sweater with an amusing light up reindeer nose!"

"Please sir - now is not the time for your trademark speeches!"

"Well think of a plan then meat tenderiser head!"

Kryten thought for a while, "Oh it's no use sir!"

"How about," Cat said as the monster came closer with a hungry growl, "we use the old steel wire, a ping pong ball and some used green chewing gum trick again!"

"An excellent suggestion sir, with quite a few major drawbacks, some of which being that we don't have any steel wire, ping pong balls, or used green chewing gum left, we're both stuck in some goo, the monster is approaching quite rapidly now, and the person writing this doesn't know what's going to happen herself!"

"Alright bud!"

"If I wasn't stuck in this goo sir, I'd offer myself as a sacrifice."

"Couldn't you do that anyway? I don't wanna leave my poor suits without a gorgeous guy to wear them!"

…….

Oh sorry, it wasn't Lister; it was the creature slumped against the wall. easy mistake to make. Rimmer faltered as its ugly features sprang into his face.

"ARRRGGGGGGHHHHH!"

…….

Lister heard the cry. It was off to his right, and groggily, he stumbled over to it.

He fumbled for his thoughts in his brain for a moment. No, wait, that wasn't Cat screaming, that was _Rimmer_. He could tell by the stiff undertone of cowardice running through it.

What should he do?

Rimmer was the one who had started all of this. With his lies, and his total, smegging lack of backbone.

Lister grunted at the pain of it all. Okay, small steps. So Rimmer had lied, and he had cheated, and he had caused more pain than a league of insane rugby players who had just lost a match, but that didn't make him less of a friend. Well… actually… it did.

Lister's head span.

But no matter _what_ Rimmer had done he was still a person. A dead one at that, but still a person. And Lister couldn't stand idly by knowing that person was in danger.

Yes, that sounded right, Lister thought, it sounded like the type of thing Lister would do.

He fell against a wall, coughing violently.

Okay. Find Rimmer, help Rimmer, find Cat, help Cat, find Kryten, ask for help, ask why he wasn't around to help in the first place, ask why he's standing here now listening and not helping, find beer, drink it, find floor, collapse on it.

That sounded like a great plan to him.

…….

…….

Review my pretties!


	11. Trifle

Oh dear me. What with Hallowe'en parties, bonfire night, problems with friends who you'd rather just tell to bog off, playing guitar and all that crap, I haven't had enough time to write anything.

…Wait that's a lie… I _have_ had time, I just couldn't be asked. This is becoming a frequent occurrence and quite frankly is doing my bloody head in.

I'm sorry! I promise to do more soon.

**Reddwarfaddict** – ahh! –Runs, screaming, from evil clay Mr Flibble- please don't hurt me - I'm too insane to die! Sorry for the HUGE delay in posting, if you have to kill me could you do it slowly in a painless marshmallow way?

**Sunrise over the Tango factory** – oh how I love black books! So glad there's someone like me who loves pure gold comedy!

**Cazflibs** – Thankyou! lol, yay I love to rock socks, I think it's fast becoming my hobby!

…….

…….

As the beast advanced, and the steady squelching of its gooey feet reverberated off the walls, Cat could see the leer of its fang-filled mouth, and the dark rusty blood that caked its crusty skin. He pinched his nose against the harsh reek of it, "Eurrgh, this guy's worse than the inside of Lister's underpants!"

"Wait sir, what's this?" asked Kryten bending down and fishing some bizarre contraption out of the goo.

Kryten's expression turned to one of amazement, as he tinkered with the electronic device in his hand, seemingly uncaring that a big monster was coming towards them with a stink that could kill a blue whale with no nose, "Oh my sir! This is truly amazing!"

Cat waved his hands around, "Nobody cares! That monsters gonna tear my beautiful suit to pieces, I don't think I could take that… even though it already resembles something Rimmer might wear!"

Kryten sighed, "Sir, keep calm, that monster is trifle to be scared of."

"A trifle?" Cat was thoroughly confused by now, "I thought that was some kind of sponge fingered pudding topped with jelly, whipped cream and assorted fruit!"

"Oh never mind sir," Kryten said, prodding the button on the remote contraption he was holding.

The monster, inches away from where Cat stood, exploded. Think of an exceedingly large balloon filled with pink custard, next to a precariously placed swinging cactus.

Yeah… it exploded, splattering Cat with a load of awful pink stuff, which strangely matched his suit perfectly.

The feline dipped his finger in it, licked it, and said thoughtfully, "hey you're right, it _does_ taste like trifle!"

Kryten made a face, and went back to tinkering with the remote in his hands, with a nervous cough. "I merely rearranged the particle producer sir, to delete the object previously made. This is truly unbelievable sir,"

"What _is_ it?" Cat asked, craning his neck to get a better view.

Kryten would have bounced on his feet, if he had been one of the mechanoid series who had bouncy feet, and he wasn't stuck in some goo, "I believe it's a device that can copy one's DNA and turn it into a living, breathing replica of oneself sir!"

Cat nodded knowingly for a second, "…What _is_ it?"

"A nifty gadget that replicates objects!"

Cat was getting a little annoyed, "… What _is_ it?"

"A cloning machine sir!"

"…What _is_ it?"

Kryten sighed, "Allow me to show you." Kryten turned the dial of the contraption and pressed a few buttons with his annoying know it all grin.

The goo around them glowed for a second, and Cat shielded his eyes, suit and shoes from the glare, which was rather hard to do really.

When Cat peeked through his fingertips, he noticed that now not only were his feet covered in goo, but his legs were too.

"What have you done now smeg for brains!"

"I've made an exact copy of the goo sir!" Kryten said excitedly, waving his mechanic limbs about.

"And now we're stuck even more?" Cat smiled sarcastically, "What a great idea!"

Kryten sighed, and twiddled the dial once more.  
…….

Lister rounded the corner, barely seeing the scene playing out before him like a … scene… in a… play.

Somehow he managed to force his eyes to see the figure in front of him.

It _was_ Rimmer.

A coward to the end it seemed. Lister was surprised at the feeling of disappointment clouding his befuddled brain. He had hoped Rimmer would be the hero for once, but it wasn't to be. Rimmer was Rimmer, and no one could change that. Maybe Lister was wrong about him after all.

The hologram was huddled in the corner, and from what Lister's distorted vision could make out, he was hunched over protectively, fizzling in and out but otherwise unmoving on the ground. His cries had stopped now, but for some reason they still echoed inside Lister's head.

He hastened forward through the hazy darkness, just wanting to see Rimmer, see Rimmer with a mouthful of insults and a smirk for a smile. The old Rimmer. Not the one that had been created by this perfectly smeggy change in events.

Lister was within reaching distance now, but Rimmer hadn't turned his head to look up at him. Hadn't even noticed his presence.

He placed a hand gently on the hologram's shoulder, his mind barely registering the fact that Rimmer was unresponsive. The human had to know that Rimmer wasn't what he was previously believed to be. That he wasn't the person responsible for this. That he hadn't meant to hurt everyone. That he was Rimmer. Not a killer but a smeghead, and… a friend.

Lister closed his dark eyes for a moment, trying to stop the world from spinning, and the pain from digging its evil claws into his burning skin. Each moment he spent standing was ebbing what little strength he had left. But for some reason he didn't want to leave Rimmer.

He opened his heavy-lidded eyes slowly with a laboured breath, and he saw for the first time, the bleary grey shapes around him, as they sprung suddenly into focus. Sneering in the gloom.

Rimmer hadn't looked up at him. And now he knew why. He was too busy staring horrified, at the swarm of creatures surrounding them.

…….

"What are they!" Cat yelled, trying to get away from the people who had just appeared out of nowhere before his eyes.

Kryten smiled enthusiastically, "They're clones sir! Exactly like us in every way."

Cat blinked, as another Cat grinned back at him, "Clones?"

"Yes sir," replied Kryten's double.

It appeared that the clones were also stuck in the green goo, giving the Cat the familiar sensation of looking into a mirror.

He found a smile lifting his features for a few moments, before a frown replaced it,

"Wait! He's not _me_, he's a mess!" Cat said disgustedly, casting a scrutinizing eye over his exact copy, "look –" he said with a flourish of a manicured finger, "one of his _hairs_ is out of alignment! I'd never allow myself to sink as low!"

Kryten shook his head, "It's true that they may harbour some minor differences sir, but pretty much they _are_ us."

"He's right bud!" Cat's clone said with a flashy grin.

Cat frowned, but not to hard, he didn't want to wrinkle his perfect skin, "Well that's great, now we have 2 of us instead of one; I don't see how that helps anything." Cat huffed, but added as an afterthought: "Except for the fact there are gonna be some _very_ lucky ladies tonight!"

"Sir, don't you see? The monsters have been cloning themselves, obviously trying to gain enough power to overthrow us and take control of red dwarf."

Kryten's clone interjected, "However, if we clone ourselves as well we may just have a chance to overthrow _them_."

"What?" Cat and his clone said in unison.

"We have to clone ourselves sirs, it's the only way. With our combined strength we can fight them. We'll have to work together. " Kryten's clone said, uncaring that the crap filtering from his mouth sounded like something out of an out of date action film starring Tom cruise.

Cat pouted, "Can't we just use that remote thingy to kill the trifles?"

"The remote can only undo one clone at a time."

"Oh… so what are we going to do?"

"We're going to clone ourselves sir."

"What?" Cat and his clone said in unison.

"I'm going to twiddle the button until there are lots of Cats and Krytens sirs!"

"What?" Cat and his clone said in unison.

"Oh, shut up." Kryten said.

"The monsters may be upon us at any moment." Kryten's clone piped up,

Kryten turned to the Cat, who was trying to pull himself and his broken legs out of the goo, "Permission to twiddle the controls, and kick their _smarmy_ arses sir?"

"Erm… yeah," Cat grinned.

Kryten twiddled the controls.

…….

…….

Review or I'll eat your slippers!


	12. short and sad

I am so so so so so so sorry for the delay! And for the shortness of this chapter.

**Important note:** I think you're going to have to read the last chapter again for this to make any sense whatsoever. Again, I am so sorry! There's no excuse for a lazy writer.

…….

…….

Operation 'twiddle the controls, and kick their _smarmy_ arses' wasn't going so well.

Cat huffed, "Kryten?"

"Yes sir?"

"We're all still _stuck_ in the goo."

Kryten nodded, looking at his feet, "I know sir."

"We need to get out of here bud!"

"I know sir; I hate to think of what those terrible monsters are doing to poor Mr Lister."

"Yeah… and I really need to change!"

"Sir, do you _only_ think of _yourself_?"

"No, I'm thinking of my beautiful ass."

Another Cat clone piped up, "How are we gonna get out meat tenderiser head?"

"I don't know sir."

Cat moaned, "But, I've just noticed it _clashes_ with my eyebrows!"

"_Just_ noticed sir?" another Kryten said with a frown.

Cat wobbled, somewhat sadly, "I'm so _ashamed_… I should have noticed it earlier!"

"Damn right you should have bud," said a Cat clone, "or you should have at _least_ come prepared with cute accessories, dyes and/or an entire new clothing range complete with suits for everyday usage!"

"The pressure must be going to my head! How could I not notice that the goo ceased to complement the curvature and tint of my eyebrows!"

"It's quite hard to see your own eyebrows you know," said another Cat clone, kindly, "let alone colour co-ordinate them with the surrounding environment."

Cat frowned at him and yelled, "I told you they weren't like me! I _always_ colour co-ordinate _everything_!"

"Sirs, please be quiet!"

"Yes," agreed a fellow Kryten, "arguing with one another is _not_ going to solve anything."

"Well forgive me for saying this Krytens," said another, "but arguing does sometimes solve problems. Arguments, as we all know, lead to agreements. I mean, what would the parliamentary government-"

"Be quiet, _please_ sirs! Discontinue flapping your mouths," The real Kryten said, flapping his arms in emphasis, "faster than the ear flaps of a skiing Frenchman on his second honeymoon in the Alps!"

"Sorry bud."

"What we need to do sirs, is find out a way of getting rid of this goo,"

Blank faces stared back at him.

He looked down. "Oh." The goo had gone.

"One of those _things_ ate it." Cat explained, a disgusted look etched into his features as he pointed towards the clones of himself, "he said he thought it was trifle."

…….

…….

"Oh smeg, we're gonna die." Lister whispered.

Rimmer moved his head slightly, noticing the hunched form of his bunkmate beside him for the first time. He felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Lister's hand. He took comfort in the warm hold, which was strange; he didn't think that when he found Lister his hand would be very comforting. Rather, he thought it would be curved into a fist and punched squarely on his hologramic forehead repeatedly.

Rimmer's body refused to move any further, but he tried to speak anyway. Strangely, his brain couldn't find any words to say. No witty responses, or cowardly snivelling.

This was it. Finally.

They were going to peg it.

His bright frightened eyes found Lister's in the darkness.

All of the burning hatred and confusion that had ignited within those brown orbs the last time Rimmer had seen them was gone. The only thing left in Lister's eyes was a calm understanding. He _understood_. Rimmer felt his heavy guilt-ridden heart lighten at the sight. Lister didn't blame him.

And all of a sudden he felt the younger man's heavy arms encircling his torso. He stiffened at first, but then gently leaned into the embrace with a sob, his body finally giving into the emotions threatening to overwhelm him.

He hugged back.

Lister winced at the pressure Rimmer was putting on his already beaten chest, but endured it, knowing that within the next few minutes they'd both be dead anyway.

"It was an accident. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He heard Rimmer whisper into his ripped, blood spattered shirt.

An accident? Lister's confuddled brain tried to make sense of it all, but, to no one's surprise, failed. Everything hurt. There was no way that he was going to get out of here alive, and he wasn't going to waste the short few seconds left of his life pondering on such an insignificant question.

Lister breathed out slowly, his head resting on Rimmer's shoulder, and his exhausted eyes beginning to close. He snapped the heavy lids back open sharply. If they were going to die, they would do it together. He couldn't leave Rimmer to face it alone.

"I'm sorry too." Lister said, voice wavering though he tried his hardest to keep it steady. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye, dripping onto Rimmer's uniformed back like a lone raindrop.

Rimmer smiled sadly. So this was it.

…….

The monsters watched this heartfelt exchange between the two friends with a box of Kleenex tissues they had stolen from underneath Rimmer's pillow. Friendship made their eyes water. They didn't like water; it reminded them of the big lakes on their planet that were taken over by killer marshmallows. There goes, another reason to kill the beings in front of them.

…….

…….


	13. Rimmer's revelation

I'm a little out of practice with this, so if it comes out like total crap I'm really, really sorry. Thanks to **Bex**, **Radar-rox** and **Reddwarfaddict** for reviewing! I love you guys!

…….

…….

Cat and Kryten, with their fellow clones ran down the corridor as fast as their quirky legs and fashionable shoes with various stylish appendages would let them.

"Jeez, what happened here? Looks like an 'attack of the man who got his head shoved through a windscreen' crossover with 'how cute is your butt?' the musical!" came a voice beside them.

"Holly!" Kryten said, he would have sounded surprised if he could have. The computer was currently hovering on the screen by the wall, huffing her white gold hair out of her eyes with a bored look settled on her features.

"Well finally." She rolled her eyes, "You do realise that I've only had about three lines to say throughout this whole episode! I could sue for that, you've left me alone for so long I've forgotten what two times two is!"

"You didn't know that anyway." Said Cat.

"The point is… I forget… I'm _very_ angry with you!"

"Please, Holly," said Kryten, "we desperately need your help."

She sighed, "Doesn't everyone?"

"Nope." said Cat.

"We need to know the location of Mr Rimmer and more _importantly_ Mr Lister." Said Kryten, carrying on, "Who knows what has happened to them without my care and guidance!"

Holly nodded knowingly, "I know what you mean, I mean look what happened to _you_ lot without me!" she paused, frowning a little, "What _did_ happen!"

"We got cloned."

"Ahh, I see… Ugly-fied as well, or did you already look like that?"

There was silence for a couple of seconds, while the Krytens fought to not be upset, and the Cats fought to stay on their feet and not die of boredom.

"Holly," Kryten said after the pause, "we _really_ need to know where Mr. Lister is."

"Why?"

Cat butted in, "There's sticky monsters all _over_ the place bud! Didn't you know that?"

Holly smiled dizzily, "Oh yeah, I forgot."

…….

The monsters stepped forward, the soft lighting catching on their slimy bodies, and illuminating the walls around them in an eerie greenish glow.

Lister breathed in shallowly, the pressure on his chest almost unbearable as sharp daggers of pain clawed their way along his ribs. He wanted to cry out, but he bit it back, eyes watering. Hold on, he had to hold on. For his _and_ Rimmer's sake. He had to hold on until the end.

He'd always thought that he'd go down fighting, but it seemed that wasn't going to be the case. It seemed he was destined to die on the floor next to his best friend. Best friend… Is that what he thought of Rimmer?

Smeghead Rimmer, best friend of Lister. Yeah, that sounded alright.

Maybe they could fight them off. Together.

He laughed at that, he was barely able to stand. No, he corrected himself, he _wasn't_ able to stand. There was no way he was going to fight off an entire army of sticky footed monsters. He was going to die and he knew it. He just wished he didn't have to take Rimmer down with him.

The monsters growled and slobbered in anticipation. They could leap and gobble up the two in seconds, but they preferred to stride menacingly forward wallowing at the terror in their preys' eyes. It amused them to see how scared they were, how terrified of death.

And Rimmer was scared, he was terrified. The monsters could see it written deep in his eyes. Rimmer squeezed them shut. He was petrified, but for some reason he didn't want anyone else to know just how much. He didn't want Lister to see him like this.

His hard light drive was damaged, that much was certain. He was no longer invincible, no longer incapable of being hurt. One swipe at his light bee was all it would take.

He'd be gone. Forever.

He looked over to Lister who was forcing his eyes to stay open. The coffee brown orbs looked back into his reassuringly.

They were staring death in the face and dangling salted peanuts under his nose, and still Lister was still trying to comfort him.

Looking at Lister now, Rimmer knew he couldn't let him die. How could anyone?

Sure, sometimes he smelled worse than a dead Frenchman who'd died of garlic poisoning. Sure, sometimes he was so annoying Rimmer wished he could shove him out of the airlock with his guitar and press the 'eject' button. Sure, sometimes they argued for hours on end about their differences and why Rimmer was such a smeghead and should be dangled out of the rear-view windows every so often.

But in the end he was still Lister. Kind caring Lister, who always put others before himself, who was always willing to die for the people he loved.

He was either incredibly stupid, or incredibly loyal. A true friend. Rimmer had never had one of those before, and he definitely didn't want to lose this one

He sighed and stood up.

…….

Meanwhile, back up the three flights of stairs, take a right then a right then a right, Holly, Kryten, Cat and the clones were still arguing over the position of Lister and what the smeg was happening to them.

Holly uhmmed and arrhed a bit, before giving in and answering Kryten's question. "Well, seen as I've had _more_ than enough time to repair my sensors (thanks to you) I know exactly where Dave and Arnold are."

"Oh thank you!" Said Kryten, the relief blossoming on his square face like a rose on a crash dummy test wall.

"I wouldn't thank me yet." Holly said smiling nervously, and lowering her eyes to the shelf below her screen, "You see… they're both cornered on one of the lower levels by a load of those gooey monsters you're all so obsessed about."

"Oh no!" Said Kryten.

"Oh well." Said Cat.

"And they're both injured, and well… quite frankly I think they're going to snuff it quite soon." She sucked her bottom lip, adding as an afterthought, "sorry."

"Oh my! Sirs, we _have_ to save them." The Kryten clones all nodded in agreement. The Cat clones just raised their perfectly shaped eyebrows with a look that clearly said: 'no way am I gonna put stunning body at risk!'

"You can't leave me!" Holly scowled, "There's no way I'm going to let you leave me here!"

Kryten ignored her, "Which level are they on?"

"Z deck." She replied, without thinking. "Now I order you to stay here with me, and have a lengthy game of cluedo!"

"Sorry holly, maybe some other time." Said Kryten. They all ran off down the corridor, he sounds of their feet slapping the ground and heels clicking echoed back to her.

Holly sighed, staring after their retreating backs. "Ah bugger it."

…….

…….

Review please x.x


End file.
